Learning My Place
by God Complex
Summary: Sometimes I don't know where our friendship is, if it's over or under the limmit mark. -Nononeshot- ERIKEN haitus
1. Prologue

**Discalimer: I do not, and never will, own South Park. Kay, thanks. 8D;;**

A/N: Hey guys, this is probably my first attempt at a chapter story in SP in a while, I hope it goes over well, any feedback is welcome. :

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**Prologue-**

I always thought that Cartman was just a manipulative bastard, but never would I know the real him. I know that he's always just covering his real feelings up, but I really want to believe the words coming out of his mouth… That we really _are_ best friends, but of corse they're just more bullshit to cover up how he really feels. Sometimes I think he can't help it, after years and years of lying he just can't help making things up anymore, even if it isn't to get something he wants, just in a normal conversation. He catches it too sometimes and literally smacks himself on the head. That usually leaves a big fucker of a sore, which I have to hear him swearing about later to me, I usually retort with "It's not my fucking problem you idiot," but that never works, and I have to get him ice- I'm not his mother, even though Eric says I match her whoriness. Is that even a word?

I guess this whole relationship started when we were around 3 or 4 when his mom used to screw my real dad. Yeah, she fucked him. I know, I know, don't even think it, I'm not her son. I think after that my mom pretty much gave up on him and got with the father I have today, I think I would have preferred the cheater to the drunk. At least I would've gotten some of the Cartman estate if they got married and divorced. Anyways, this isn't about my family, this is about my fat ass friend, right? You wouldn't be reading this if it wasn't. I know, don't break the fourth wall, Kenny. Kay ,so, we acknowledged each other the first time my dad actually brought me to their house. Eric insisted that I play dollies with him- Yeah.. I thought it was faggy, but he does it now even, so that's worse I guess, but I decided to play around with his gay little toys for a while- God that sounds nasty, but we kind of became…friends after that, and even though my dad left, Lianne had no problem with me staying over night to get away from my new father and his hard hands. Eric and I used to stay up all night telling each other scary stories and playing truth or dare, which was always fun, until we turned 7 and he became bored with me. Yeah, that kind of hurt. He resolved his boredom with Kyle Broflowski, the Jewish kid down the street from him, he lived closer to Eric, and seemed to get along with everybody. Well, Cartman, the bastard that he is -literally- made it his duty to make Kyle's life a living hell.

Everyday he would throw pebbles at the Jew's window and yell a few curse words in between some of the most anti-Semitic things I have ever heard in my whole life, 7 years watching HBO is a lot mind you, it ticked me off. I was no longer the boy's main interest, and he was still mine, which is what has gone on for the past, what, 10 years? After I got my license he's been nicer to me, but that's only because I'll drive the fat fuck to McDonald's and Wendy's for a frosty or a whopper. I hate him with a passion sometimes, but still, he was my first friend, and I'm not letting go of that.

"Eric?" I poke him in the side, the chubby kid lets out a whisper, "You gotta get up, your mom is calling for you…"

"Mneeh, fucking Jews and their fucking ginger hair…" Ugh, he's dreaming about him, too. How wonderful,

"CARTMAN-"

"WH-WHAT??" His eyes are as big a saucers, I swear…

"Dude, your mom was calling for you, I think you guys have church or something today, right?"

"Oh, oh right, thanks…" he rolls out of bed, the bed that we've shared in sleepovers for over 11 years, not Kyle, "You coming with us this time?"

"And get yelled at for being a whore? No thanks, you remember how they took that last time?" I laugh a little bit. Really? I'm not a huge whore... I just like to explore my options, "I'll just stay here, the usual."

"Yeh, sure, no stealing anything, mind my rules McCormick." Eric scratches the back of his head and yawns, "Dude, could you move? Unless you want to come with me to the bathroom I need you to move out of the doorway." he motions with his hands, looking at me like I ride the short bus,

"Oh, uh, yeah, sorry. Morning and all…"

"Blonde and all." he curses under his breath as I move aside and let him into the bathroom, Cartman slams the door. I've never seen him so animated in the morning.

I find my way downstairs thanks to the smell of food, mom's making pancakes I guess, "Hey Ma, sup for breakfast?" Lianne turns around to the sound of my voice, I've been calling her that since I was around 6, when Eric and I played house and I was the mommy…Um, yeah.

"Oh, hello Kenny, we just have chocolate chip pancakes this morning, sorry about this."

"Sorry about what? This is enough Ms. C, really." I put my hands in from of myself, "More than I get in a day." I let out a nervous laugh. They really do smell good, ew, I'm drooling. "Eric seems like he's in a good mood today," I smile at her,

"Oh, I know. He's been such a good boy lately, do you know what happened?" she puts her hair up in a bun before returning to the pan,

"Not really, we don't see much of each other," bullshit, "and he doesn't hang out with the same people I do," bull bull bull, "I think he might have a girlfriend or something…" uh, not bullshit, He's after some girl who looks like a hooker. I think it might be Henrietta from grade school, but I wouldn't know, I wasn't really into the whole Goth thing.

"Really? Well, it's been a while hasn't it? And I suppose it's not you this time, right?" she smirks,

"Oh, yeah Ms. C, I'm going to bear his love child," I roll my eyes and she laughs,

"Yer gonna feed it, too, McCormick, I hate kids." Cartman smacks me on the back of my head, "Ugh Mom, is that all we have today? What? Are we in Africa or something? We have food money you know-"

"Eric," I hiss. "This is _fine _mom…." I shoot him a glare and sit down at the table to fill up my plate, I can indulge as much as the fat ass, maybe more, but that's only because I never eat…

"Well, Eric honey, I'll be taking a shower and we're going to be leaving in about 20 minutes, okay sweetums?"

"_Yess mooom,_" he drones out, "And please don't call me that, Kenny's here…" I swear for a minute he's blushing and looking down at his shoes,

"Awww, are you embarrassed in front of your girlfriend?" I tease him and pinch his reddening cheek,

"Nah Kenneh, git off…" I laugh a little, his manly voice… it sounds more like a redneck voice to me…

I stifle a giggle, "I love you, _sweetums_."

"Mhnehh, I love you, too…poor ass piece of shit…" the brunette mumbles, if there's one thing I know it's that Kyle's never gotten an "I love you." well, not that I know of… maybe he has. _Shit._

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**Kay, what did you gues think? Continue or stop? Anyways, I'll have the first chapter up soon. : R&&R**


	2. By Your Side

**Discalimer: I do not, and never will, own South Park, or anything mentioned in this Fanfiction.**

A/N:: I'm sorry D'8 It's so SHORT!! But I ran out of time and had to finish this up before 11:30, so I'll have the 2nd part up later. Gah I'm sorry.

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**Chapter 1-**

"You know, I think that the new priest is a child molester,"

"Really now? How'd you know…?"

"Do not want to remember."

"Aah,"

"Hey, Kenny…do you think that Kyle and Stan are going out?"

"Maybe, I mean, Stan is pretty much as straight as a nail, but Kyle's queer in my mind."

"So you think so?"

"I dunno dude, they're best friends, and you know how touchy they are.." I cock an eyebrow in his general direction, "Why do you care anyways?"

"Just a question, I saw Stan in church today and he went to confession for like, twenty minutes."

"What? So you automatically think that they fucked or something?" I throw the hacky sack up and catch it again on his bed, "I think the only way Stan would do something like that is if they were drunk anyways,"

"Maybe," he makes a satisfied noise and there's a peaceful silence afterwards, he rolls over to face me, "You're so fucking poor…"

"Yeah? And you're a heffer." I smile a little bit at the ongoing war between us,

"Oh really now? I hadn't noticed." he smiles back at me and we just kind of sit there for a couple minutes,

"Uh…" I gulp, "Did you go to confession today?"

"Yeah, I always do, ever since I was 14, you know that," he moves himself onto his back to look at the ceiling, "The priest was pretty surprised at this one though," Eric lets out a little laugh, I think he's nervous,

"Why? What'd you tell him this time?" there's amusement in my voice, I always like to hear what he confesses to,

"I can trust you on this one McCormick?" I nod, "Kay, well, me an' Henrietta, you know…" my eyebrows shoot up into my bangs and I start laughing like an idiot,

"S-seriously? D-dude, she's a freaking prostitute!"

"Ay! Well….maybe she's been around, but still…"

"W-well, I'll let you off for cheating on me this time," I clutch my sides and finish off my giggle fit,

"Oh, _thanks dear,_" he snorts, "We're not going out though, I found out she's a fuckin' lesbo, going out with Red and all…"

"Seriously? That's really hot…"

"No, it isn't," he sighs, "she called her right in the middle of it yelling about something that Henri forgot, I guess they were supposed to go to the movies or something.." Cartman puts his arm in front of his face, "It isn't all about making out and screwing each other with those two…"

"Eh, only college girls I guess," I shrug and throw the hacky sack at him, "Can we go to Starbucks?"

Eric looks over at me and sighs, "You don't have money for it do you?" I try my best to look really innocent, "Ugh, fine McCormick…" he messes up my hair,

"Thanks," I cling onto his arm, "Let's go in like, 10 minutes okay? I'm not ready yet… too sleepy,"

"It's 12? What are you talkin' about Kenneh?" he laughs, breath spilling over my face, "You slept all morning while I was at church, dude, the least that you can do is be awake when I get home."

"I'm hibernating, it's winter."

"It's always winter here, asshole," Eric points out the obvious, right now I don't want to hear his voice, I just want to lay here with him, he's not fighting my touch today, I like that, "What am I, a teddy bear?" I giggle into his side a small "yes,"

"Mneh, gay wad." he pouts and plays with my blonde bangs, "Really… You're so weird," he sighs and gives in, rolling over to meet my gaze, I play with the hair over his eyes, curling it and uncurling it around my finger,

"You're my best friend, Eric," I smile at him, I don't know why needed to say that, but I just needed the reassurance I suppose,

"…you're mine, too," he grabs my hand, "but God, you need to lay off the rainbows…"

"Really I am?" wow that sounded like Butters,

"Y-yeah, why? You always have been…" his eyebrows furrow, as if he was trying to figure out a trig problem that was written on my face,

"Well, I just always kind of thought you liked Kyle more than me, I guess," I shrug into his stomach, clearing my throat,

"Kyle? Psh no, that lying Jew doesn't mean shit to me,"

"Really? Well, that's not what some people think, whether you like it or not you and Kyle do have something, friendship or no, something's there…"

"…I…I don't _hate _the kid, I just…" he rubs his eyes, "Oh God, Kenny, why are we bringing this up? It's a dead horse…and beating at it won't do me any good, it'll just make me feel even worse,"

"I just…" I hang my head, "Sorry, Eric." he messages my temples, oh God…I think I leaned my head into his touch a little too much, he pulls his had away and looks in my eyes,

"Hey, it's alright…let's not talk about this anymore and go get us that coffee, okay?"


	3. Bones

I ring the doorbell and wait. A flash of red and brown appears for a second after the door opens a crack, I see it reseed into the kitchen. A small rubbing at my leg alerts me, "Hey Mr. Kitty, good girl..." I bend over to pet the Calico's worn fur, she purrs, "What's wrong with Eric, huh?" I say in my baby voice. I know he heard me, he had to. Some rumbling comes from the kitchen, I'm guessing that he's looking for a special K bar; Cartman is on a diet. You heard me right. The grey cat seems to have had enough and pounces back on her kitty bed, playing with a small Terrance action figure. It's ear is bitten off.

"Hm." I scratch at an unknown substance stuck to my grey sweats, "What the _hell_ was I eating yesterday...?" I think it's ash from my cigarette,

"Keep your poor germs off of my cat," the red flash from before is back, but this time he isn't quite as rushed to avoid me, he sits on the steps outside. I left the door open,

"I thought you were mad at me or something," I lean against his door frame,

"Nah, just thinkin'," Eric rubs his temples, "I couldn't sleep."

"I can tell," a bug crawls on my left shoe, trying to find a way out of the snow, "you look like shit."

"Gee, _thanks_." he snorts and glances at my over his shoulder, "What?"

"Do you feel alright? We could skip... or something..." I offer, trying to sound nonchalant, I don't think it's working I can still hear sincerity in my voice. Damn, why do I worry about him so much?...The ant finally gives up and rejoins the ground. I step on him.

"No, no it's okay, come on, lets go." he gets up from the steps, supporting himself with his right arm, and unlocks his car. It makes an annoying beeping sound twice and returns to silence. I close the door, not without saying goodbye to the cat, she doesn't care though, and continues to play with Eric's mutilated Terrance doll. The next thing I know I'm on the ground, face first in the snow,

"**FUCK**!" I curse into my hood, "_I think I broke something_..." Eric is at my side in a second, I roll over to look at him. His hands are stretched out, but they're quivering, like he's afraid to touch me. Like I'd turn into dust, or shatter like a mirror. I doubt I'm like a mirror though, I'm disgusting. My cheekbones project through my skin, and my fingers are as thin as chalk sticks. They're as white as them, too. I look so malnourished... No, I'm more like the dust, small, dirty, no one ever notices it in the corner, and it follows as soon as the wind comes. I think Eric is like wind... my wind.

"I... are you okay? Kenny?" there's that genuine concern, the one I don't deserve, I laugh a bit and try to get up, "Damn it..." he shakes his head and tries not to smile, "you asshole klutz, come on, we'll go to the hospital to get you checked out."

"Nah, I'm fine, seriously." I cough and force myself to stand up, fuck my leg hurts. I wouldn't be surprised if it starts to turn blue, "Let's just get to school." Eric shrugs and plays it off as if he wasn't just down at my side acting like I was dying, he does support me with his arm though. I gladly thank him for it, and latch onto his arm once again as soon as we're in the car.

"I severely doubt you need help in the car, McCormick," he doesn't look away from the road,

"Mhehh...I'm cold?" I put on my most innocent face,

He grunts and keeps driving, "As long as you quit this once we reach school. I don't need to have Kyle thinking you're gay. He'd be all over you."

I mock smile, yeah, I'm not gay at all... who the fuck am I kidding, seriously? I try to laugh, but it just gets strangled and comes out sounding more like when Fluffy gets stepped on. Eric side glances at me, questioningly, and I shake my head. He shrugs and I look back out the window.

I wonder what would happen if I came out...? Would Eric ever talk to me again? I mean, he talks to Kyle still. But... I'm not like Kyle. Kyle doesn't share his bed with Eric, he doesn't spend every minute with Eric...He doesn't... he doesn't love Eric. No, he doesn't care about him like I do. Neither of them do. I'd literally give my life, and have, for Cartman. I don't know what would happen if he never talked to me, or, God forbid never acknowledged me again. I steal a glance at the boy, he looks back, I dart my head away again.

"Is something wrong...?"

"No, no everything's just fucktastic."

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I like to stare out of the window during Math class, I don't know why. It's just so nice out these days that it's hard not to. But today I chose to look at Eric, studying him, trying to figure him out like a math problem. That probably won't help anything though, I'm not the brightest in Math. Fuck, my leg still hurts... Cartman looks over at me, I glance away quickly and pretend like I've been picking at my nails for a while. After about 4 seconds I try my chances and turn my head in his direction, eyeing him carefully. He picks up his pencil and starts to chew on the middle of it, instead of taking notes. Mrs. Nickels doesn't seem too thrilled about this and taps his desk with her ruler, Eric nods and after she turns around he flips her off. The class giggles.

"And that's the rest of the chapter on Monomials, you may all have quiet study now." the old whore fixes her glasses and walks over to the class clown's desk, reprimanding him for making noises during her boring ass lesson. Eric seems to be fed up with the pencil and lunges it at the ceiling. It sticks. The class busts out in laughter and Eric mentally pats himself on the back. Someone else is already on the physical side of the spectra. I think his name is Travis. I don't care what his name is, he's getting on my nerves. "ERIC CARTMAN. GO TO STUDENT AFFAIRS YOUNG MAN. Kenny, escort your... _classmate_." she seethes at the last word and gets a stool to pull the projection out of the ceiling. I sigh and stand up, acting like it's a huge deal just to make sure Eric doesn't run off and skip school again. I shake my head at fuckhole-Travis and join my friend in the hall.

"Way to go." I roll my eyes and jab him in the side with my elbow,

"Aye, shuddap. I did good." he rubs my hair,

"You sound like Larry the Cable Guy."

"Do I? Huh, I don't mean to." he laughs a little bit under his breath and jumps down half a flight of stairs, "Come on, I bet you can't do that!"

"Pay for my hospital bill and we've got a deal." he smirks and I launch myself from the exact place he was not a minute ago, as soon as I landed I knew something was wrong. I couldn't feel anything, I was numb, "Holy shit..." I look down at my leg, a huge fucker of a bone was sticking straight out of my shin.

"KENNY!"

I can't hear anything, feel anything, all I can do is stare at my leg like it was the most frightening thing in the world, blood started to pour out of the sides of the wound, making my grey sweat pants turn dark crimson. I think Eric called the ambulance, because within 3 minutes I was on a stretcher and inside a really loud car with people staring at me, puncturing me, prodding me. I felt like a lab rat, not like that I haven't been one before, but I just can't take the sight of blood. My blood was everywhere, in needles, in bandages, in wraps, on gloves, in the trash, and within the time it took me to feel the pain engulf me I was being hoisted though the air, onto my hospital bed. I blink for the first time since I jumped. My eyes sting with desperation for moisture. I start to cry, and eventually fall asleep.

"-Kenny?...Kenny please wake up, come on, dude..." Egh, I don't want to get up, "Kenny come on, dude..."

"Did you ever think that he might not _want_ to talk to you?" Another voice, it sound irritated, and familiar,

"No,_ Eric_, I didn't. But thank you for the idea." Sarcasm, that's Kyle,

"No problem, Jew, now leave him alone before I have to kick you out." Cold, yeah, that's definitely Cartman, "Seriouslah, get out, I need to sleep, and he needs to sleep."

"Well then you go home and I'll stay here until he wakes up." Kyle hisses,

"No way, I'm staying, you however, you're leaving. **Now**." I think Eric folded his arms at that, I hear his coat ruffle,

"... Fine, call me when he wakes up." the redhead sighs and grabs something. I hear the door open and close, I'm alone again. Well, not exactly alone, but Eric is already asleep by now. I crack an eye open, yeah, he's asleep. I watch his back rise and fall. His head is tilted to the side on my mattress, his arms under his mouth, keeping it closed to keep him from snoring and waking me up. The rest of him is in one of those oddly colored leather hospital waiting room chairs. I smile and watch him mutter things in his sleep. My hand finds its way up to his mop of hair and I gently play with the part that sticks up in the back when he doesn't straighten it. He looks so peaceful when he sleeps, not at all like the real Cartman. The real one looks all knowing, and smirks all of the time. I'm surprised his face isn't stuck like that. I take a chance and push the hair on his forehead up, lean down and hesitate. He's asleep right? It wouldn't matter... I kiss his skin gently and inch backwards to look at him. I sigh, content and lean back on my pillow.

"Go to sleep Kenneh..." Eric mumbles and turns his head the other way, he begins to snore.


	4. Nausiatic Doubt

They don't let you smoke while you're in the hospital. It sucks. I could really use one, but they've told me that I'll be out in about 3 days anyways. That doesn't stop the burning in my stomach area though, I feel nervous and antsy and everything that reminds me of how much my life really sucks. I need an escape, and soon, or else I'm going to go nuts. I can already feel the withdrawal headache coming on. It's like there's a team of little gremlins with power drills going at my skull, and pulling at the tendons behind my right eye.

I sink further into my pillow. I'm going to die soon if this doesn't stop. That, or hurl.

I think my hurling wouldn't do me any better though, even if it's more realistic. I'd rather die. My finger twitches.

I've been here for about a week and a half. Kyle is assigned to bring me my homework, but Eric insists that he doesn't come near me; I'll catch gingervitis. God forbid. I think I'd look better with red hair, but he says I'd turn into a Jew. I don't think I want to be a Jew. It sounds like too much work. So, Cartman has been bringing me my work and study materials, and if he can't, Stan brings them. It's nice to see him once and a while. Even if it doesn't look it, we're pretty close. I wouldn't say I could ever replace Kyle, like he could me to Eric, but our friendship is worth something. Even if I'm not.

"Hey dude," speak of the devil,

"Hi," I don't look away from the television, "have my homework? Or did you just miss my face?"

"I dunno, maybe both," he sniggers, "I like your face."

"Why couldn't Cartman be here today?" I roll my eyes and prepare for a huge excuse that my best friend prepared Stan to give me once I popped the question.

"Debate team,"

"Oh."

"Anything I can get you?"

"Yeah," I glance his direction, "a pair of pants that doesn't show my ass," he laughs, "and a cigarette."

"I would if I could."

"Mhh..." that pair of pants sounds really good right about now, these sheets aren't exactly fit to the hospital beds here at Hell's Pass 'Hospital', I only say 'hospital' because it sure isn't much of one. They didn't do a very bang-up job on my stitches. I feel like Raggedy Andy,

"Plus, do you know how many guys think you're a girl with an ass like that?"

OK. Maybe more like Raggedy Ann, but that doesn't matter to me, "Oh yeah? Well, I hope once they see the front they'll think different."

"I doubt that, dude," Stan smirks, "You really need a haircut."

"Yeah, yeah," I sigh and roll over to look at him properly, my eyes hurt, "gimme the fucking bag and get out of my cell."

"Sure feels like one, don't it...?" he looks around and throws my bookbag onto the end of my small mattress,

"You're not stuck here, so shut up."

"Lucky me," the black haired teen shrugs, then smiles, "I'll see ya later then?"

"Mhmm," I nod. Stan walks back through the door he came through, I watch as his back disappears around the corner of the hallway. Okay, he's gone.

In truth, I haven't seen or heard from Eric in a while, maybe 4 days. That's a long time for me, I'm not a pussy. I think... I think he may be avoiding me, for you know, that time. I started to believe he didn't mind, but I don't think that anymore. I think he just pities me, he probably feels cornered and confused, and most of all: Angry.

I don't blame him.

I'd hate me, too.

I mean, for what I did? That's not exactly saintly. I didn't do anything to help him in any way, ever, and now I'm being as selfish as ever. I just want to dig a hole and crawl in it. A deep, dark, slimy hole. Or, the other option? I could kill myself and come back pretending this never happened at all. He'd think I had amnesia or something. It isn't the first time I've used this before. I did this when huge test came up in school, too. I had an extra three days to study for it, it helped, but I still got a 72. Hell, everything I do I mess up on, huh?

I probably shouldn't be talking to myself, but I'm the only one I can trust anymore.

Well, I'll know soon enough. I go home soon, and then I can kick that fat sonofabitch's ass into talking. Oh God I'm going to hurt him, he has me worried sick...

Speaking of which, I need a hurling can. That feeling in my stomach isn't for a cigarette after all.

Xxxx

"Well, Mrs. McCormick, your son is free to go now. I just need you to sign the regular papers. Usual procedure. And don't worry about the cost, some boy already paid for it... I think I recall his name being 'Cartman'?" the nurse gives my mom a hearty laugh and leads her to the front desk, "That's a first time I've seen that boy do something for someone else."

"Yeah... me, too." I mumble, fingering the leather on my wheel chair. I have to get out of this thing. I feel restricted. Crutches? Anyone have crutches? Seriously...

"Son, I need you to use these now, and don't forget to return them." Oh thank God. Doctor whatever-his-name-is lays a pair of the desired aids across my lap. I grin and thank him. Man this town is cheap... but this isn't the first time I've had to return a pair of these things. Whatever. I grab the stopper on my wheelchair and make sure I won't send it flying when I use it to brace myself. I stand up first with my right arm over one, then my left.

"Come on, Kenny, you're father will want to hear about the no cost business, oh, he'll be so happy." my mom folds her hands over her cheap purse and holds the door for me. I'm sure that bastard will be happy, he's the cheapest thing in this town. Nonetheless, I smile at her and nod as best as I can.

On the way home I almost slip and fall on my ass, but my mother helps me up the steps and into the house, getting my coat off of me and sitting my down on the couch, "Now, you stay here, a boy wants to come see you at... seven I think it was... my damn memory." she rambles on, shaking her head, making her red locks move along with the change of pace.

"Thanks mom, did he say who it was?"

"Oh, no, but I think it was your little friend Kyle."

FUCK, "Alright, I'll get the door when he knocks."

"Thanks, son. I'll go call your father." she nods to herself and goes out to walk tot he pay phone at the end of the street. I gave her some quarters as a part of her birthday, now she can finally use the phone for a little while to talk to her... 'girlfriends' yeah right. She's probably betting on the ponies or... whatever gamblers bet on. Yeah, maybe the bookies. Wait... no, that's couldn't be it, she doesn't bet on that stuff. Football? Probably the most accurate bet. I'm satisfied with my conclusion and pull myself to the computer, log onto 7chan, and begin to post and post and post until I'm tired of that site. I already have like, a billion folders filled with .gifs and shops. I lean back in the chair and decide to take a nap. Ah, peace. Sweet silence. No beeping or rushing doctors, or nurses asking every 30 minutes if you need the pan. Yes, being home is a wonderful thing.

A knock comes from the door, "KENNY!" a muffled voice comes from the other side, I groan,

"The door's open!"

He walks in after fighting with our sticky door and sets his jacket down on the couch, "Dude, whatsup? I haven't seen you in ages." I roll my eyes, it's only been like, two weeks, drama queen almighty.

"Nothing really, I got stitches and a cast, and um, oh yeah, Cartman payed for my hospital bill." I try to act enthusiastic, but it comes out more like sarcastic,

"...Really? Um... Wow, just... wow."

"I know, and it doesn't stop there, oh no, the bastard won't talk to me. I tried calling him from the hospital and every time I got through his mom said he was out or something." I shrug, Kyle comes out of his reverie, "Can he get any more complicated!?"

"I don't think so dude, and he's been home for like, the past weeks you've been gone, you know. He doesn't have any activities that I can think of or anything. But then again, why would I know anything that he does?" we exchange looks and start to laugh,

"I guess we're just both a bunch of outcasts. It's like Stan is the only one that knows what's going on..." Kyle stops abruptly, "...Kyle?"

"Um yeah, no it's fine." he plasters on a fake grin and points at it, "See?!"

"Hah, you liar." I raise my eyebrows, "What happened?"

"Nothing, I swear, I just, well, I'm not really in the mood to talk to Stan.. right now..." he lets his left shoulder go limp, the loose t-shirt he's wearing goes over it and shows his pasty, thin upper arm. Kyle grabs it and pulls it back up, muttering something about sewing it tighter, "We're just having a bit of a... bumpy time is all."

"Ah, it seems we're both having road block problems then, except mine is bit and fat."

He doesn't laugh, "I guess,"

"...sorry Kyle, about Stan, and uh, yeah." Awkward seems to take us both over and he finally opens his mouth,

"Listen, I've gotta go, OK? I'll call you sometime, or see you at school. Um, yeah..." we kind of stare at each other, not sure about what to do, he comes up to me and hesitates,

"AH come're." I grab his shoulders and pull him into a manly hug, patting his back hard twice with my right hand. He coughs. I stop and he slips his arms through mine and tries to comfort me, more gently. I feel kind of quirky in this position, since when did I turn into the guy? I shrug it off and return it quietly. We both let go simultaneously and don't even steal a glance at each other as he leaves. I hear my door jam shut and let out a deep sigh. About five minutes later I have to get up to help my drunken father inside and up the stairs.

"You-n, you did a good, good job pickin' out a best friend boy..." he tips his hat and goes to the bathroom to empty his stomach of any alcohol left in his system.

I did... didn't I?


	5. With Your Enemy?

Ah, cocmmence Eric hatred in 3,2,1. And I'm sorry for the slight Stan bashing in this chapter.

* * *

The snow was falling, it was mid winter here, and the blizzard hitting today was scheduled to come at around 12:00pm, so I don't know why we're not getting off, we'll all just have to walk home in about 3 hours anyways. Well, except for Token, his parents can afford a car with traction tires. For dip shits that means it can drive in snow. You just learned something, how _awesome_ for you. Why am I crabby? Oh _I don't know_, maybe because I'm trying to walk to school with crutches, or maybe it's because I have like, 10 tests to make up. **OR**, this is an idea, my _'best friend'_? Well, he's a total and **utterly complete asshole**! I called him last night and fucking **STAN **was over. He answered the phone for him and everything, apparently Eric is just too busy to talk to me these days. **HOW _INCREDULOUS_. OH, LOOK KENNY, HERE'S THE BASTARD CHILD NOW.**

"Hey! What the_ fuck_!?" I shout at him, "Why didn't you return any of my calls, **huh**!?"

He looks at the ground, probably not his shoes, he can't see them over his **FAT. FAT FATTY FAT FAT FUCK.** I scream in my head,

"Hey! Hey you_ asshole_! Answer me!" I jab him with my left crutch, but he just keeps walking as if it was nothing, I stand there smiling like an idiot, "Wh-what the_ fuck_!?"

"Oh, hey, Stan." he finally smiles and joins the white and black haired boy at the bus stop,

"Sup? Hey, Ken. Sup?" fucking goth poser... I plaster on a smile, and shuffle over to him,

"Nothing really, my back hurts, but that's it I guess," I shrug,

"Hm. So, Eric, how was your weekend?" what? That's it? Ah, fuck you both, seriously. I stare at Stan's bleached streaks in his hair, I think he looks like a skunk.

"Kenny." Kyle smiles at me once he reaches the bus stop, waving a green glove my way, at last, someone who I can talk to,

"Hey, Kyle." I smile at him, "Nice jacket." I try to contain a snort,

"Shut up," he sighs and looks down at it, "I had coffee with Tweek this morning, and well, yeah." a coffee stain clearly showed through on the front of the green plaid coat, "At least it didn't get on the hood, it'd smell worse..."

"It's not real fur,_ is_ it?" I pet it, Kyle swats my hand away,

"Yeah, it is, my mom bought it, so duh."

"Hah. Dude, your mom sucks."

"I know..." the red head leans over to steal a glance at Stanley, "What's _their_ deal?"

"You're the one that's been here, you tell me."

"...I dunno, but all of a sudden they're like, besties or something..." his green eyes scan the view of the pair, laughing, punching each other, "Well. They _were_ friends before we moved in..."

"Huh, I have no idea."

"I know you don't, but did you do something to get Cartman to leave you alone?" he grins, "Please tell me the secret."

Get gay with him. He runs for the hills.

"I dunno. He stopped visiting me in the hospital a little while back, and bam, he's chumming it up with _Stany-boy_ when I get home."

"Well, the bus is here..." ah, yes, it is. We board, but this time my regular seat is filled by Stan, I'm stuck sitting with Kyle I guess, not that I mind. His voice is just a little... high pitched. And squeaky.

And annoying.

And fuck, I _hate_ it. He sounds like when you strangle a dog toy under water with helium.

"So, anyone get that new PSP game?" Cartman turns around to talk to the general public,

"I did." I state quietly, no one else answers, he shrugs and sits back down,

"**YO FATASS.** Didn't you hear him?"

"What Jew?" Eric's head turns briefly,

"Kenny got it," Kyle says louder,

"..." he turns back around, ouch. I'm going to fucking kick his sorry ass until it looks like hamburger meat. If he had a problem with me he should just tell me instead of flat out ignoring me,

"Hey," Kyle rests his hand on my shoulder, I turn my head, "don't feel too bad, he did this to me for a while, but he got over it... eventually." But I'm Kenny? Kenny is different, Kenny isn't a Jew or a hippie! And... and Kenny has the necklace and the photos and all of the memories!

Damn I sound like a kinder gardener, "Yeah, yeah maybe." I nod and face forward again, "I just wish I knew what this was all about..."

"I'll try to find out for you." he offers, squeezing my shoulder,

"Thanks," a smile tugs at my lips. I spend the rest of the bus ride staring at Stan. I finally realize something. He isn't a poser at all. If you look closely, he makes all of his clothes... No tags to be seen, and this isn't Hot Topic shit that the rich kids buy. Hm. The chains on his pants are from old bikes that he's outgrown, his hat is Cartman's old hat, but dyed. Damn his head was big.

* * *

"Guten Tag, class,"

"Guten Tag, Frau,"

"Please take out your Hausaufgaben, and turn to page zwei und zwanzig," her blond hair curls around her rosy cheeks, I'll admit that Frau Morissey is nice, but she needs to loosen up a little bit. I take out my German homework, and turn my textbook to page 22.

"Eric." I stare at the back of his head, "Eric?"

No answer, I poke him with the end of my pen, "_Eric_?" he only flinches, sending a ripple through his back, I poke him again, and again until he finally gets fed up with me and turns around to glare at me with the most deadly look I've ever seen him give anyone. My heart jumps into my throat, I swallow it. Blink, come on Kenny, blink, "Um, hi."

"_What_!?" he seethes,

"Um, wh-why are you ignoring me?" I shrink further down into my seat,

"I'm not, now **shut** your **poor** fucking** face** and_ leave me the fuck alone_." he whips back around and copies something from the board,

"Oh-okay..." and the rest of the class seems to pass me by, I answer exactly three questions, and the bell rings after what seems like hours.

"Kyle?" he looks over at me from his locker,

"What?"

"Am I a ghost?"

"...No. Why?"

"Just checking. You can hear me, see me alright?" he nods slowly, "Alright..." I huff and turn my Walkman up all the way, which gets me in trouble eventually, but I'm trying to find my happy place. The one that isn't near Eric. I think that one has a 'Stop: Under Construction. New Best Friend Zone' written all over it. Stan and his stupid goth clothes.


	6. Dying To Kill Myself

8th period bell rings. Suddenly the hall is empty and I'm the only one by their locker, except for Tweek. Recently he's been helping me carry my books, since no one else I know are in any of my classes. Don't get me wrong, Tweek is a pretty smart kid, but he just can't study. I think it's because he gets too antsy.

The blond's foot twitches as he waits, not-so-patiently for me to grab the rest of my text books and book bag, "Calm down,"

"But they'll write us up for being late!"

"No, I'm handicapped, they'll excuse us,"

"_I'm_ not! I'll be yelled at! You, _you_ can get off because you're a **cripple**!"

"Tweek," I say, "you're helping me, am I right?" he nods, "They excuse student aids in this school, right?" he nods again, "Then you'll be fine."

The twitch boy takes this into consideration and mutters something, "What?"

"H-how can you be so _calm_?" his light blue eyes shift to the right, "I mean, there could be a _hurricane_, or a_ murder_, or a _tsunami_ any time now!"

"...I guess I don't have anything to live for anymore." I smile and hand him my books, "Come on." right crutch, left crutch, right, left, right, watch out for the trash, left,

"What'd'you mean?" I can mentally see him squirming, trying to understand,

"Nothing, Tweekers, just stay close to Craig. He's the best thing that ever happened to you. Never chase that away." I sigh and open Frau's door, "Guten Tag, I'm sorry I'm late."

"No problem, Axel, please take a seat." my German name, no one would guess it was German though, from all of the Kingdom Hearts shit going around, "We were just talking about the Modals."

"Alright..." I take my books from Tweek Tweak and thank him, he runs over to his desk, 4 rows away, behind Red. My head almost goes up to look at Eric, but I can't. I know I shouldn't. It's been almost a week since this whole thing happened and he still won't notice me. My heart wants to see him, but my mind tells it to shut up. And I have will power. I don't need Eric, I never did... my eyes flash up and catch a sight of that gorgeous auburn hair, "**DAMN IT**!" I bury my face in my hands,

"...Axel? Do you need something?" Frau shuffles over to my desk,

"No, no, thank you, Frau..." I shake my head, trying not to look at anyone, they're whispers are already loud enough, I don't need to see their disgusting faces.

_"What the fuck is his problem?"_

_"PMS?"_

_"Nah, I think a single got caught in his g-strap too long,"_

I wish they would shut up. Shut up... Shut _UP_... _SHUT UP_, "_**SHUT UP**_!" my fists hit the desk in a hallow 'smack', and in a moment I'm crying, "Frau, I'm sorry, I have to go to the nurse." The laughing stops suddenly, and I hear Eric tense, fucking yes I'm mad at you, you fat piece of **shit**. I rush out of the room, forgetting my crutches.

I wish everything was easier than this. I wish I never took the chance of ruining my chance. Now I've split up the group, yelled at my mother, hit my little sister, took my anger out on people that aren't me. I'm the center of this. I have to fix it. I have to get this bad luck away from me. There's only one way I know how to do that. Bright flashes of light, two to be exact, fast moving ones, with horns. I need to move in front of a semi. Quick, easy, painless (somewhat), and he'll forget about this. I'll forget about this. Stan won't be his stupid little laggy anymore, and Kyle won't follow me around like a mother hen. Kyle will be happier with Stan, and I'll be happier with Eric.

It's plain, simple friend math. Everyone in the group hates each other, but your best friend in the group likes the person you hate. Me to Cartman, Cartman to Stan, Stan to Kyle, Kyle to me. Except I hate all of them right now, I hate myself, I hate Tweek, I hate Butters, I hate Red, Wendy, Craig, Clyde, Token, Frau, and fuck-face-Travis. Especially Travis.

If he hadn't encouraged Eric to throw the pencil he wouldn't have gotten sent down to Student Affairs, and if that never happened I wouldn't have gone to the hospital, and wouldn't have gotten all mushy on Eric, and he wouldn't hate me. Yes. I hate Travis, with a burning passion.

I rummage through my locker looking for my lighter and my water bottle filled with arsenic. No one ever notices, it looks just like water anyways. Actually, more like ginger-ale. I hate ginger-ale. My locker slams shut behind me and I make a run for the stairs, sitting down on them I unstrap my support. It gets cast off to the side and I walk down the stairs ignoring the shard pain going through my leg. Like a knife cutting about three inches deep and swiveling every other inch in a circular motion. It reminds me of watermelon; I don't know. I don't know anymore, I really just don't. So _stop asking me_ Kenny, I don't _have_ your answers. You're just a horrible person. I know I'm messed up, I know I'm desperate for the truth, but I _can't help_ lying to myself.

My face hits the cold, I unzip my jacket and tie it around my waist. I fish a Marlboro 27s pack out of the pocket in front of my jeans and light one up, smoke it quickly and light another. Warm up first, get a little high from it, then plunge. The easiest way in the book. I wait for a good fucker to run me over, and douse my cig with the ginger-ale look alike. It bursts into flames, catching my hair along with it.

My skin inches away from the fire, my muscle shows, I see scar tissue from past times I've done this on my chest as my shirt burns up. It hurts, but at least I know I'm alive enough to feel. I hear the horn and finally the bone crunching sounds when the 8 wheeler meets my legs and upper body. Lungs give out, arms pop in ways they shouldn't, blood pools towards my head, and my back bone shoots through my neck as a pipe knocks my head into a 180.

Suddenly the familiar scent of death is here, and I'm back in this vast, wide open place of black. My mind? I don't know. My own heaven? I don't think so. Hell? No, I've been there, it's nicer than this. I think this is just where I go when I die. Kenny land. Wherever you run you end up being in the same spot as you were to begin with. Almost like life. You're born greedy, and die greedy.

Yes, this is home. This is where I can finally sleep.

* * *

**OH GOD IT SOUNDS SO EMO I'M SORRY. r&&r? New chapter up soon, kay thanks.**


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